whirling · dervish

whew. for a little while, i thought this one was tryna kill me.

pulled in all possible directions, i want to run
toward and away from you simultaneously.
i want to resist and surrender,
wrap myself in a white flag and plant myself, like a
molotov cocktail,
on your empty doorstep.

when you are away everything
whittles and
expands.
i want to purge you, i want to carve your name
into the hollow space between my hip bones.
you are all of me and
nothing i can keep and
in between my greedy fingers air, and hope, and possibility
escape into always
or never
and i want to cling to just one of them but they never
stay.

i will stay raw to you, and
open.
i will take the risk, and the fall.
i will remember to notice the smell of the air
breaking against my skin,
i will marvel at the exhilaration of descent,
i will remember to thank the ground for seeing me, broken,
home.

i'm gonna do a solo to squarepusher!
well...that happened.




i think it's the best structured improv solo i've done.

hrm.

bellydance. like, to arabic music and everything.

sorry about the sea-creature look, night vision on the camera.



and much more in my element, to aphex twin:

i'm performing tomorrow night at amnesia. not to spoil the surprise or anything, but...i think i might, like...bellydance. for real. to arabic music and shit? check it out.

****

Old World Wind-Up
Baxtalo Drom takes you back to a twisted little village in the Old country where mysterious gypsy girls enchant and wild gypsy boys make your head spin and your body move with their melodies. Join Sister Kate and Rose Harden for San Francisco's only gypsy punk monthly at Amnesia, our favorite little hide-a-way in the heart of the Mission.

This month we welcome to our gypsy cabaret-

all the way from Vulgaria
Brothers Horse -- music rooted in the traditions of the old world, shaken up with punk sensibilities, FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

Bring on the Dancing Girls!

Cera Byer- this visionary dancer weaves a tale of enchantment in pure movement

Miss BallaFire- Tattooed lady and seductress extraordinaire; she will tell your future!

Making you shake the floorboards loose-

DJ Loenidas- Pirate Cat Radio local celebrity spinning a balkan beat mashup you won't stand still to!



As always, we'll have intimate performances all night long, so come early and stay late.
Dress tight and get loose!
And try your luck at the Lucky Road Show; where fortunes are told and
made.

Amnesia
Valencia between 19th and 20th
$10
9 pm - 2 pm

improv set at tatseena's bellydance fantasy festival a couple weeks ago =)
thanks for checking them out.

part 1, pretty wings (taxim)


part 2, imaginary places (drum solo)

For cold days when you feel kinda blah, need to cry, or wanna lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling.

assemble with care. load into the music delivery vessel of your choice.
enjoy.

1. Sundrenched World, Joshua Radin
2. Back of your head, Cat Power
3. Bad Habit, Amanda Palmer
4. Hello Tomorrow (adidas version), Karen O. & Squeak E Clean
5. Golden Brown, The Stranglers
6. You Hurry Wonder, Shannon Wright
7. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth, Clap your hands say yeah
8. Space Oddity, Seu Jorge
9. No Mercy for She, Shannon Wright & Yann Tierson
10. Fancy Claps, Wolf Parade
11. Hanging on the Telephone, Cat Power
12. Electro-Socket Blues, Rogue Wave
13. Babe, I'm gonna Leave You, Led Zepplin
14. Hospital Beds, The Cold War Kids
15. Have To Drive, Amanda Palmer
16. Aeon, Antony and the Johnsons
17. Near Dark, Burial
18. Slinker, The Toids
19. Videotape, Radiohead
20. Nicest Thing, Kate Nash

Here are ways that being heavy, thinking of myself as fat/ugly, and/or being eating disordered for pretty much my whole life, have effected me:

i have never worn a 2 piece bathing suit in public (i have never worn a bathing suit in public without MAJOR discomfort and anxiety, in general)

i have had to have countless conversations with strangers, relatives, and friends, about my body, what i eat, and how i exercise. i have felt shame, fear, rage, embarrassment, and judgement during these conversations.

i have defined myself entirely by what i look like, and not what i could do.

i have felt that my accomplishments pale in comparison to my "failure" in "not being thin"

i have fantasized about intense, invasive surgery.

i have starved myself, injured myself, taken a LOT of pills, and caused myself permanent, irreparable damage - physically, chemically, emotionally, and psychologically.

i have never - EVER - felt unequivocally, 100% pretty. i am always conscious of my "problem" areas.

i have never felt 100% comfortable naked in front of anyone (i dont let this inhibit or stop me from being naked with anyone, but somewhere deep down, i'm always thinking about my "problem" areas.)

i have never felt comfortable performing bare bellied - i have been bellydancing "officially" for...10 years.

i have never had only 1 size of clothes in my closet (or even within 1 or 2 sizes. at one point they ranged from sizes 5-18. i've since gotten better at tossin stuff.)

i have let my feelings about myself stop me from doing things i wanted to do, from feeling confident about my abilities and my chances at success, from having the same experiences as other chicks my age.

i have felt these things, to greater and lesser degrees, for my whole life.
i am *mostly* happy with my relationship to my body today - but still, every day, i feel like i have farther i'd like to go. every day, i battle with all of those past truths about myself, i challenge them to stand down, and make room for the me i have today to pave the way for the me i'd like to be tomorrow.

Truth happens IN DEGREES.
There are people who look at me, and what I do, and what I've accomplished, and think there's no WAY that i've had these experiences, that i have self doubts, that i have internal weaknesses and fears that have held me back - of COURSE i have, and of course i still do.
But we have to start somewhere. We have to push forward. We all have to attack our lives with gusto, guts, and tenacity if we want to get the most out of them.
What has been true about you before DOES NOT determine what is true about you now, or what CAN BE true for you in the future. Every day is a new opportunity to start redefining yourself, and your life.

Change also happens in degrees.
How much change you are capable of is dependent (for the most part, with a tinnnny number of exceptions) upon 2 things:
how much you believe is possible, and how much work you're willing to put in to get it.
that is IT. that's the secret. that's the key.

How much change you're capable of is not dependent upon who trains you, who helps you, who challenges you, what you buy, what gym you go to, what running shoes you have, whether you do it alone or with help, or what grocery store you can get to from your house.
it's not dependent upon who you've been in the past, who's shamed you, who's told you that you cant, or what you're afraid of.

Change is about unwavering faith in what is possible from the future, and unwavering dedication to putting in the work it takes to bring that future to life.

To take on something new, and see it through to the end, you have to set aside your fear, your scripts, your inhibitions, and your "cant's". You have to set aside some identities and m.o.'s that you may have been operating from for as long as you can remember. This is hard. It's hard no matter who you are, or where you come from.
You have to step, bravely, into emotional, physical, and psychological waters that are unfamiliar and quite probably frightening for you - we ALL do.
The degree to which you can do these two things, is the degree to which your dreams are possible.
The degree to which you rebel against "cant", and fear, and shame, is the degree to which you are FREE.
This is hard. It frequently sucks. It is also the ONLY way you're ever gonna find out, for sure, what you're really capable of.


Every day, people walk into my studio and ask me for help.
Every day, this is what I try to instill, as we throw around weights, and jog sprints, and do balance exercises, and crunches, and talk about food, and our families, and our week, and our lives - this is the message i try to plant constantly.
This is what i see.
I could give 15 people the same work out, and they're all going to see different degrees of change. The BIGGEST indicator of how much change they're going to see is not their hormones, or their histories, or their genetics - it's how much they believe is possible, and how hard they're willing to work, how much they're willing to submit to the process, and how consistently they give 100% of themselves.

The process of change is You. That's it. Just you. Not your mom, your friends, your job, your car, your clothes, your family....it's you. Your need, your work, your desire.

You have the body you've always wanted. You have the body you've always had.
You are one whole, perfect union, one complete original, and I believe, truly, that ANYTHING you want for yourself is possible.

The question is...do you? And the second question is...what are you gonna do about it?

now, i'm not a low-carber, really, but i do try to keep my protein intake up, and make sure that the majority of my meals are more protein + veggie/fruit then processed carb-based.

one of my clients reminded me today that it can be really hard to find high protein, lower fat, non-soy snacks to eat while you're on the go and trying to keep your athletic nutrition rockin out.

so, here are some of my faves:

I make up big portions of tuna salad with lf sour cream instead of mayo (or 1/2 lf sour cream, 1/2 lf mayo), and then have it on hand for wraps w/ whole wheat, spelt, or gluten free tortillas, or lettuce wraps. i can just throw it in a tortilla, roll it up, wrap it in tinfoil and put it in a tupperwear or bag, and have it on hand for the day.)

i do the same thing with chicken (i like to get the containers of "just chicken" or "just salmon" from trader joes for this - you can also throw them onto any salad. nom.)

an avocado (and a spoon. bladdow.)

cottage cheese (i actually like it, i know some people hate it, but you can nearly always find a small pre-pack of it, wherever you are.)

lunch meats (i get these from the deli counter instead of prepackaged, cause then there's less sugar/sodium)

hard boiled eggs (boil up a whole carton, and then keep em in the fridge!)

individual yogurts (i like the greek yogurt with honey in a separate compartment so that you can mix in exactly how much sweet stuff you want.)

bean salads (i take a can of garbanzos & kidneys (or any other lentils you like, look for organic/low sodium, then mix em with a little bit of olive oil & vinegar (red wine vinegar is yummy), and whatever other yummy flavor ingredients you like - some small chopped red onions, garlic, jalapenos, a bit of lime juice, chopped bell pepper or celery, kinda whatever! this is usually enough for 2 or 3 snacks. you can also blend it with some large grain quinoa for a heartier snack. it's yummy cold or hot.)

also, google "low carb snacks" or "high protein snacks"
once you get past all the weird sugar-replacement / jello based snacks, there can be some good ideas!


have fun, work hard, eat yummy stuff that makes your muscles sing.

luh you guys.

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test ...
ENFJ- The Teacher

You scored 82% I to E, 16% N to S, 19% F to T, and 37% J to P!
Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality type with 3% of the population.
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate. Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt. Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFJ

night time me is all: here smoke this. now go dance for 2 hours. ooh, lets take a bath! here, smoke this. wanna watch a movie? what was that noise? what if someone broke in? here, smoke this. let's clean the closet.

morning me is all: ow ow ow ow