i have to get this out or i'll never sleep.
biz license with the city -
will mean taxes, will mean bookkeeper. so not ready to figure this out.
money. taxes mean someone has to pay. that someone will be me, because the business cant yet. i cant either. i need to make more money. still. always.
i think my student loans became due this month. i need to file another deferment.
i havent been to the dentist in over 4 years.
i havent had a pap smear...well. more than 2x in my life.
i have no medical insurance. i've only had medical insurance a few years of my life. once and a while this scares me. i have no sign of ever making enough money to buy my own insurance.
this sucks.
but i owe At&t $800 and my creditors are scarier than my teeth.
i need more help at the studio.
my trade-classes-for-flyering girl never resurfaced after picking up fifty bucks worth of flyers.
we're having a party next week.
the student show is in 3 weeks.
we're starting filming on a commercial and a series of videos in 2 weeks.
a new session begins in 3 weeks.
there are 2 unconfirmed classes for the new session.
i'm supposed to be doing homework for my personal training certification that includes daily behavioral modifications, and i'm not sticking to them as well as i should.
i'm plagued with doubt about my decisions at night. i think about things i've said to people and whether or not i've said them well. i think about things i do and wonder if i've done them well. i think about all the things i'd like to do and hope that i can do them better. i think about all the things i have to do and i'm scared i wont get them done.
outside of the classes i teach at the studio, which i do not pay myself for, i currently have 2 personal training clients, 2 private dance lesson clients, and will soon be picking up bellydancing at a restaurant a couple nights a week. this is still not enough money to cover my own expenses and fill any studio shortfall when my ICA money runs out in 2 weeks. i am afraid.
i really want someone else to be in charge of money at the studio, but we dont make enough to pay for someone, and eveyone i've hired to do anything for trade has flaked.
dcdt has 3 shows in 3 weeks, and our set isn't done. we're having some problems within the group. or rather, i'm having some problems with how little discipline and commitment is being shown by the group during a time when we have a lot of pretty high profile gigs. i dont like being frustrated, i dont know how to deal with it and i dont know how to motivate them to be better, other than continually pointing out to them that people know us, people expect a lot from us, and i'm not going to make the choreography any easier because they chose not to come to company class and to be 20 minutes late for rehearsal.
i have 2 minutes of choreography to finish before wednesday.
i have to make more contacts in europe for our tour in january.
i need to choreograph our piece for bloodmoon.
i need to plan my workshops for the first 2 weekends of august, and write my handouts.
i need to get plans and promotional materials together for hosting tanya, my trainer, for her yoga teacher certification in november.
i need to plan fundraisers for dcdt's europe tour. and then promote them. and then buy the girls plane tickets.
i'm still paying off our trip to vegas.
if by paying off you mean that i pay the minimums on every credit card i have, every month.
for the past 2 months my major life goals have been "make enough to pay my bills, buy groceries, pay anything the studio is short on rent after we've paid teachers"
that's still pretty darn tight. the goals after that are "pay deborah back all the money i owe her. pay down all my creditcard debt. pay back the loans on the studio. pay student loans."
artistically i'm making more and more complex pieces. i'm getting into video and mixed media. my movement vocabulary is going deeper and becoming more intricate. my dancers are having a hard time keeping up with me, and they dont take advantage of all the free classes and rehearsal times i provide for them - which were set around their schedules. i feel taken for granted. not even my dancers see how much i want to give them, how much i want us to give. i push because i want, so much, to grow.
i drink too much caffeine trying to keep up with my day, and i smoke pot at night to help me sleep. i'm worried about smoking. i should probably be more worried about caffeine.
i dont know how i pull all this shit off. i feel like sooner or later everyone's going to figure out that i'm a fraud - that my only real talent is convincing everyone to come together to work on these harebrained schemes with me.
i wish i had this much passion for anything more lucrative, but i dont. here's the unfortunate truth - i'm fucking unemployable. i can only do things 100%, and i can only do things 100% that i'm completely passionate about. this makes me a shitty employee. this makes me shitty at everything but dance. i *can* do other things. i'm good at graphic design and marketing and video editing and all kindsof shit. but if they're not dance, or dance related, or movement related, basically, i crap out. this - this troupe, this studio, this movement - is what i do. it's what i'm here to do. i'm fucking good at it. it just...doesn't make any money yet.
i hope that yet is a little yet, and not a big yet.
i'm tired.
i want to be a better girlfriend and a better friend and a better human. but i'm not. i'm a dancer. i'm a choreographer. i'm an artist. i drive myself to this because i believe in this shit and it doesnt matter if i'm fucking tired - it has to get DONE because i wont always be here and these dances and these words and these videos will be all that's left. and i have a lot of them to make. i have a lot to say.
i wasted so much time just trying to figure that much out.
ugh.
i hate wasting time.

i am, essentially, lazy. i'm constantly fighting against myself - i dont really want to do anything that isn't Fun For Me (tm). i never have.

i want to be able to cook omar dinner. i want to be able to have friends that calling doesnt feel like work because it's been so long since i was last able to talk. i want to go to sleep at night, without my brain trying to crawl its way through my skull trying to figure out how we're going to Make These Dances and Pay These Bills simultaneously.
i want one of these agencies in LA to call me and say "we want you to come down here a couple times a year and choreograph a target commercial or some bullshit like that" so that i can live on residuals for the rest of the year.
i feel like my life is thankless. yesterday someone on a livejournal dance community watched one of my videos and thanked me for bringing beauty into the world, and i cried because of how rare it is that anyone says thank you to me for anything that i do. i dont know if many people notice any of the behind-the-scenes things i do as having value, and that sucks a lot.
if the restaurant comes through and i get 1 more 2x/week client i'll be doing okay financially. that seems attainable - though entirely dependent upon other people.

i feel like so much of what i do is entirely dependent upon other people. that's the catch. i try to think of my work as for them, because without their assistance it wouldn't be possible. then when they dont assist me well, or the right way, or quickly enough, i get stressed and pissed because i want things to get done.
i just want everything To Work.

and the miracle of life is that it does. over and over.
somehow.
so why am i so worried?
why cant i sleep?